Grieving

Watching kids from hard places process adoption is hard.

We are seeing it from 2 such different perspectives.

Mercie, as you know, came to us kicking and screaming.

But she is calming down. While I am still not at the top of her list, she is letting me hold her and isn't spitting every time I come near.

Besides tonight when she BIT me. My beautiful baby girl has some REALLY sharp teeth and my finger is still paying for it!

Syler on the other hand has just been happy. Last night he called out Mama when he needed something. First time to use my name of his choice and it was so sweet!

But today he was a bit more distant. (didn't I just post about how well he is doing!?) Typically he lets me hold his hand, hug on him etc.. Today he pushed me away. Then tonight we made him turn off the tv for bed. He started pouting and tears started rolling.

I tried to hug him and he pushed away. And on it went. He would not budge, just sat frozen with these big silent tears rolling down his face.

All these thoughts start going through your head. At the top of the list is WHAT HAVE WE DONE. Because it is one thing when a baby grieves, but an older boy, well that is just a bit more scary. And when you are tired, irrational fears start to play in your head.

So we sat and we both cried and I prayed and read from the story book bible through the tears and just kept saying over and over, I love you, mama loves you.

Slowly, he let me rub his back. Then he let me hold his hand. His tears slowed and he let me pull him into my lap. Through our translator app we asked if we could sit with him and he said yes. We told him we are so happy he is ours and that we are family forever. We sat with him till he was asleep.

I know that this is GOOD progress. He HAS to go through this. How can he walk away from the only life he knew and NOT be sad?

But as his mama, my heart breaks for him. I know he has to be so scared. There is no one now to explain things to him. Everything is different. He paid more attention today to Mercie than he has the entire week and I am sure it is because SHE is the only thing that is the same.

And he has been SO brave. He is ALWAYS always making sure I am ok. Today at lunch I did not have a drink so he was offering me his soda. He was worried about Mercie's shoes. He is always thinking of others. Always.

Please pray for his heart if you will. Pray for us that we will know how to comfort him. I know that Jesus will heal his little heart, I trust that and believe that. I know that grief will come in waves, and we will just continue to ride them out, one day at a time.